


All Right

by RainButterfly



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018)
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, Family Feels, Family Issues, Family Secrets, Out of Character, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-04-12 02:34:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19122829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainButterfly/pseuds/RainButterfly
Summary: What hurts the most is trying and failing then being made into a joke. Raphael struggles to be taken seriously and its like he doesn't matter.(Read Authors Notes)





	All Right

**Author's Note:**

> I tried my hand at angst. This is supposed to be a sad fic that is away from all the love shown in tmnt 2018. This story isn't going to be for the faint of heart or easily triggered. Tags will be updated if continued.

It’s hard sometimes. Actually, it’s a lot of times, but this isn’t something Raph is willing to admit. He's the oldest and the strongest and that makes it his job to watch over his brothers. He loves them. All of them. Even when they make fun of him. It’s just the price he has to bear for being in charge and he pays for it regularly.

He tries really hard to stay confident, but that’s a hard thing to do when things get complicated and Raph keeps messing up. His plans never go the way he expects. With each one that fails, he knows the faith that his brothers have in him withers. The tries so hard to stay positive and happy and just look to the bright side at the end of the day, but it’s just hard. He keeps failing. Over and over again.

And one day, one of those failures might lead to a bad ending.

He’s thought about it countless times. Especially after Draxum dropped Leo from that roof. Leo's last words gave him nightmares, With my last breath, I told you so! I told you so.

I told you so.

And it was Raph's fault. He made as dumb call and it resulted in his brother being thrown off a fucking building. Sure, he saved him at the end, but that’s not the point. If Raph had made the right call, none of that would have ever happened. He feels so stupid when it’s all over with. And even more stupid when his family walks away from him when he suggests they’re probably part sheepman. C’mon, they probably were. Who knows?

Raph's back is beginning to hurt now, currently crushed by the weight of his responsibilities. All of this is new and serious. They’re no longer role-playing old movies where the hero always wins. Now is real life where people really get hurt and really die. And here’s Raph…the big idiot leader who gets everyone nearly killed each mission.

It stresses him so much.

Leadership…it really isn’t like how it is in the cartoons he watched. Leadership is scary. One false move and everything could be on the line. Then there's also people looking at him for guidance and…and Raph just can't take it anymore.

Well, it’s not like they really listen to him. He's just a big joke to them by now. They see through him like glass and its killing him. He's supposed to be the “fearless" leader. Not the scaredy leader who is afraid of plushy rabbits and idolizes dumb wrestlers. He's supposed to be the cool, silent type of guy that has a plan at every turn of events. Raphael isn’t any of those things. He's too huge to not be seen and he's sometimes obnoxiously loud and he just can't be the guy he wants to be.

He tries to put on the front, but it always slips. Raph is just as scared as the rest of his brothers and he's just as inexperienced and it shows. It shows too much.

_I told you so!_

A leader is what he dreamed of being when he was just a tot and now that he has the position…he’s unsure of himself. He's learned that being the oldest doesn’t mean that you’re right. Especially with his brother Donnie and Leo around. They are quick to prove him wrong, but he still loves them. He loves them and he'd do anything for them. All of them. Mikey, Donnie, Leo, Pops, and April. He'll love them no matter what. Even when they upset him, he'll never stop loving them.

That's why he's trying to get better. He can't let his emotions get the best of him. He can’t just throw fits anymore. He's too big and he might hurt someone if he does. And he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Especially not his family. There's meditation videos online that he watches and that weird ASMR stuff that’s actually pretty helpful (he will NEVER admit that to Donnie) and he just tries. It all he can really do.

What he really found helpful are motivational speeches. About anything. It gets him pumped in the morning, through his workout, and before a team mission. He feels like he could do anything after listening to them and most of them were pretty informative. Oh, and poetry readings. He loved those after a nightmare. They made crying oddly easier to do. Which is okay. Pops says it’s good to cry sometimes. But not too much.

Nobody respects a cry baby.

It’s another problem that he has to deal with. There’s no spike in his commands, no authority. It makes him look weaker than he is, but it really isn’t all his fault. Raph was taught to be nice and respectful even when people were mean to him. He just can’t throw away all those years of training and politeness. It’s basically a reflex to be kind. He hates it at its worst times.

Sometimes he wishes he could just…just express himself. All of himself. Even the bad parts.

The parts that even make him sick.

Sometimes he wishes he was just as chill as Leon or as smart as Donnie or as carefree and innocent as Mikey, but he isn’t. Raph feels like he's infected with emotions that aren't acceptable. Some days, he feels so toxic that he's afraid he’ll infect his brothers. His bad mood shouldn’t affect them and he wont let it. He doesn’t know where these feelings come from, but he knows they aren’t right.

No one should think about hurting themselves.

Or other people.

People who are close to them. People who care for them. Yet…Raph can't stop. He wishes be could scream and fight and yell, but he can't. He wants to tell someone…anyone. Pops talks to him every so often, but this is a battle Raph has to fight on his own.

“Raph,” Mikey sings, rapping loudly on his door. “Leon wants tacos! Wanna help make em?”

Raph visibly jolts. His heart pounds in his chest, but he can feel it in his throat. He blinks- it’s been at least an hour since he's opened his eyes. He was so caught up in his own thoughts… And Mikey is still waiting on an answer. Shakily, Raph responded, “Y-yeah, I’ll be there in just a minute.”

There’s a pause on the other side then, “Are you okay Raph? You sound a little off.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine Michael.” Raph shrugs it off. Though, on the inside, he's trembling. “There’s just some stuff I have to finish and I’ll be right with you guys.”

Mikey hums, “Alright!”

Then he’s gone.

Mikey is so breakable. Not physically, you know. He looks fragile, but Michael and give a mean punch when he wants to. The problem is that he’s impressionable. They all are, but Mikey is the most. It scares Raph to think that something might happen to his little brother because of this. Raph knows for sure that if something ever happened to Michelangelo he would lose every restraint he's ever built for himself. Mikey's so little and so sweet. Raph would do anything to protect him.

He could imagine his bros in the kitchen. Leon is singing some popular Spanish song. Something by Bad Bunny most likely. Don is fussing over Leon burning tortillas and Mikey dancing while fixing a burrito. They’re having fun. There's no place for Raph's hulking figure in such a scene. Like always, Raph would find himself in a corner, watching and wishing he could fit in. They all are so great. Donnie with his smarts, Leon with his skills (the slider could do nearly _anything_ ), and Mikey with his creativity. There isn’t really anything special about Raph except for his size.

“Raphadoodle!” Leon pounced on him the moment he made it to the doorway. “We are making street food tonight!”

Walking to the kitchen had taken more strength than he had so Leon's attack made him topple onto his shell- Leon on top of him. The red slider chuckled then helped them both up. Leon was obviously hyped over the food. The guy had a little obsession over all things Hispanic for a while so making Mexican street food put him in a giddy, Mikey-ish mood.

“I need help with the tamales and tortas!” Don called from the other side of the kitchen.

Leon squealed in pure delight before snatching out his phone. Music began to play and…Like Raph guessed, it was Bad Bunny. Mikey was helping Don and Raph found himself alone. Leon went to do…whatever it is he is doing by the sink and now Raph is lost. He wonders why he even bothered to come out when his brothers can function without him. They were so in tuned with each other and Raph is just there…out of key.

“Raph?”

Leon is suddenly behind him, “You okay buddy?”

Raph takes in a deep breath. One of Leon's mad skills includes seeing through bullshit. Especially Raph's bullshit.

“Raphadoodle?” Leon tugs his arm. “C'mon, come help me with the meat.”

Don looks over to them. Feeling the sudden shift, he indulges Mikey with weird facts about tamales to keep the youngest busy and away from any upcoming drama. The smartest brother glances at Raph then to his twin, much to Raph despair. Leon and Don were always able to communicate without speaking. Some psychic twin bullshit that wasn’t so much bullshit. Leon pulls Raph near the sink where the meat is piled in to be washed.

“Wanna help me cook it?” Leon’s voice is gentle. He's got a hand on Raph's shoulder, leading him toward the stove. The red slider moves closer and whispers so only Raph could hear. “Is it one of those nights? Are you gonna be alright…with us?”

Raph swallows down his uneasiness, “Yeah. It’s no problem.”

Leon's asking if he wants to hit the gym or need a talk with Pops, but Raph doesn’t want to any of those things. He's also afraid of being alone in his room. So. Here he is.

Suddenly, everything is working. The kitchen is warm, Don and Mikey are talking over one another, and Leo is dabbing over the stove. The food is finished before Raph knows it. He and his brothers are at a table eating and laughing over some dumb memories. Every ill feeling he once had is gone in that moment. Pops slides into the dining room and eat with them for a few minutes before returning to his game shows.

When it’s time to go to bed, Raph can’t hide his disappointment. He wishes this night could go on forever. Tomorrow, he'll be a leader and a screw up again. Back in his room, Raph laid on his bed and thought out what tomorrow would bring. Maybe Draxum would show up again? Or the Foot? Pops didn’t really explain anything about those two or how he knew them, but he said they were seriously bad and needed to be stopped. Whatever foe they may face tomorrow, Raph prays he doesn’t Mess Up so bad.

Just as he is about to force himself asleep, there’s a knock at his door. Raph forces himself out of bed and to the door where Leon was waiting on the other side. Raph wasn’t too surprised to find his blue brother wearing his usual cap and nightgown with two mugs of hot chocolate.

“I thought you might need one,” Leon smiled as he handed the mug to his older brother. “Have a goodnight Raph…” he turned to leave, but he kept his eyes on his older bro. “I love you, you know.”

It’s hard to remember that Leon isn’t just an asshole. They argue a lot more now since things are serious, but it’s all for the team. Their family. Both of them just want to do what’s right and that’s what has been leading to their divide. Raph takes a look at Leo and remembers that he isn’t the only one with problems.

“Thank you,” Raph smiled. “I love you too.”

Leon left looking accomplished.

Raph sleeps and still fears for tomorrow. Just not so much now.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by a tumblr post to write this. I write when I'm on the verge of sleep so if there are any errors, I apologize. I am unsure whether I should continue this story...I was thinking of doing a chapter on all of the rottmnt boys. Maybe.


End file.
